Somebody has to move first. In your marriage, that’s your job.
Last week, I asked you to look at your wife and say what you see.
Some of you did it. And some of you got a reaction you weren’t expecting — she looked at you sideways. She probably wondered what you wanted.
That’s not failure. You’re just seeing the wall.
A wall built over twenty-plus years doesn’t come down because you said something nice on a Tuesday. It comes down slowly, and only if you keep going after it.
Which brings me to the hardest thing in this whole discussion:
“You are going to have to move first, and keep moving, without any guarantee that she moves back.”
· · ·
Here’s the standoff most marriages are stuck in during the second half.
He’s waiting for her to be warm again before he pursues her.
She’s waiting for him to pursue her before she’s warm again.
Both of them are technically right. And nothing moves even as the years go by.
Somebody has to break it. And I’m going to tell you plainly: in a Christian marriage, that’s not a fifty-fifty proposition. Scripture puts that weight on you.
· · ·
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” — Ephesians 5:25 (NIV)
Read that carefully. Gave himself up for her.
When? While she was still a mess. Before she was cleaned up. Before she deserved it. Before she was capable of reciprocating anything.
Jesus didn’t wait for the church to become worthy of love. He moved first — at full cost — and the transformation came after.
That’s the model. Not a fair exchange. Not, “I’ll meet you halfway.” A man who goes first.
“Jesus didn’t wait until she was ready. That’s the whole point.”
I know how that lands. You’ve been giving for twenty-five years — providing, working, showing up — and now you’re being told to give more.
But be honest about what you’ve been giving. You’ve been giving your labor. Your paycheck. Your presence in the building.
You have not been giving yourself.
That’s what she’s been missing. And that’s what Ephesians 5 is asking for.
· · ·
Here’s the practical part.
Moving first means initiating without a return receipt. You pursue her, and you do not evaluate whether it worked. You don’t audit her response. You don’t quit if she’s cool about it.
You keep going because it’s right.
DO THIS THIS WEEK
Initiate three times this week. Expect nothing back.
Pick three moments this week to move toward her first. A real question at dinner — one you don’t know the answer to. A hand on her shoulder when you walk past. Asking her to come sit with you for ten minutes with no phone and no agenda. Do all three. And here’s the part that matters: do not keep score. Do not evaluate her response. Do not decide whether it’s working. Just go first, three times, and let that be the whole assignment.
THE ANCHOR VERSE
“We love because he first loved us.” — 1 John 4:19 (NIV)
That’s the entire sequence of the gospel in six words. Somebody went first. Everything after that is a response.
Your wife’s warmth is downstream of your pursuit. Not the other way around.
What have you been waiting for her to do before you’ll move? And what would happen if you stopped waiting?
THE REBOUND LETTER — FREE · EVERY WEEK
Know a man whose marriage is stuck?
There’s a man in your life right now sitting in the same standoff — waiting for his wife to move first, while she waits for him. Forward this to him. He may not have anyone else willing to say it.
Forward this issue to one man →
— Ron