Tag: Ephesians 5

Go First

Your wife’s warmth is downstream of your pursuit. Not the other way around.

Somebody has to move first. In your marriage, that’s your job.

THIS WEEK

Last week, I asked you to look at your wife and say what you see.

Some of you did it. And some of you got a reaction you weren’t expecting — she looked at you sideways. She probably wondered what you wanted.

That’s not failure. You’re just seeing the wall.

A wall built over twenty-plus years doesn’t come down because you said something nice on a Tuesday. It comes down slowly, and only if you keep going after it.

Which brings me to the hardest thing in this whole discussion:

“You are going to have to move first, and keep moving, without any guarantee that she moves back.”

· · ·

Here’s the standoff most marriages are stuck in during the second half.

He’s waiting for her to be warm again before he pursues her.

She’s waiting for him to pursue her before she’s warm again.

Both of them are technically right. And nothing moves even as the years go by.

Somebody has to break it. And I’m going to tell you plainly: in a Christian marriage, that’s not a fifty-fifty proposition. Scripture puts that weight on you.

· · ·

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” — Ephesians 5:25 (NIV)

Read that carefully. Gave himself up for her.

When? While she was still a mess. Before she was cleaned up. Before she deserved it. Before she was capable of reciprocating anything.

Jesus didn’t wait for the church to become worthy of love. He moved first — at full cost — and the transformation came after.

That’s the model. Not a fair exchange. Not, “I’ll meet you halfway.” A man who goes first.

“Jesus didn’t wait until she was ready. That’s the whole point.”

I know how that lands. You’ve been giving for twenty-five years — providing, working, showing up — and now you’re being told to give more.

But be honest about what you’ve been giving. You’ve been giving your labor. Your paycheck. Your presence in the building.

You have not been giving yourself.

That’s what she’s been missing. And that’s what Ephesians 5 is asking for.

· · ·

Here’s the practical part.

Moving first means initiating without a return receipt. You pursue her, and you do not evaluate whether it worked. You don’t audit her response. You don’t quit if she’s cool about it.

You keep going because it’s right.

DO THIS THIS WEEK

Initiate three times this week. Expect nothing back.

Pick three moments this week to move toward her first. A real question at dinner — one you don’t know the answer to. A hand on her shoulder when you walk past. Asking her to come sit with you for ten minutes with no phone and no agenda. Do all three. And here’s the part that matters: do not keep score. Do not evaluate her response. Do not decide whether it’s working. Just go first, three times, and let that be the whole assignment.

THE ANCHOR VERSE

“We love because he first loved us.” — 1 John 4:19 (NIV)

That’s the entire sequence of the gospel in six words. Somebody went first. Everything after that is a response.

Your wife’s warmth is downstream of your pursuit. Not the other way around.

What have you been waiting for her to do before you’ll move? And what would happen if you stopped waiting?

THE REBOUND LETTER — FREE · EVERY WEEK

Know a man whose marriage is stuck?

There’s a man in your life right now sitting in the same standoff — waiting for his wife to move first, while she waits for him. Forward this to him. He may not have anyone else willing to say it.

Forward this issue to one man →

— Ron

Here’s why your wife doesn’t respect you anymore (and what you can do about it).

You love like Christ, she respects like the church. It’s a beautiful cycle—until one side breaks. When you drop the ball, her respect doesn’t vanish overnight. It just fades away because she is wired to follow a strong, loving leader.

You know how Ephesians 5 lays it out: You love like Christ, she respects like the church. It’s a beautiful cycle—until one side breaks. When you drop the ball, her respect doesn’t vanish overnight. It just fades away because she is wired to follow a strong, loving leader. Here’s what usually kills it:

  1. You stopped putting her first. When you get busy with work, hobbies, or your own comfort, she feels like she’s last on the list. Her heart hardens. It’s not nagging; it’s her soul saying, “Where’s the guy who cherished me?”
  2. Harsh words. One sarcastic comment, one “whatever,” one silent treatment too many—it piles up. She stops feeling safe, and a wife can’t respect a man who makes her feel small.
  3. You handed over the leadership. You’re the head, not to rule like a king, but to serve like Jesus. If you’re waffling on decisions, letting her carry the spiritual weight, or just checking out, she feels alone. No woman wants to lead her husband—she wants to follow a man worth following.
  4. You quit pursuing her heart. You don’t ask how she really feels. You don’t notice when she’s hurting. You don’t make her feel like the most beautiful woman alive. She starts believing you don’t see her. Respect dies when honor fades.
  5. Your own strength is slipping. This one’s quiet but killer. Porn, laziness, fear, drifting from God—it all shows. She senses when you’re not fighting for your own holiness. Wives are drawn to men who have fire in their souls. When that fire dims, respect dims too.

None of this is to beat you up—it’s to wake you up. The Bible says you can turn this ship around. You lead, God moves.

Forget waiting for her to change first. You change first. Commit to these four things.

  1. Sacrifice for her daily—no excuses. Do something meaningful for her every day. Take the kids so she can nap. Handle dinner. No “what about me?” attitude. Just love like Jesus. She’ll feel it, and respect will start creeping back.
  2. Speak life. Cut out criticism, sarcasm, yelling—gone. If you mess up, own it instantly. Replace it with encouragement: “You’re amazing at that,” or “I love how you handle things.” Gentleness rebuilds safety fast.
  3. Lead spiritually. When she sees you under God’s authority, she’ll want to follow you again.
  4. Pursue her like you did when you were dating. Ask real questions: “How are you really feeling?” Plan a cheap date night. Compliment her specifically. Touch her without expecting anything. Make her feel seen and desired. Daily pursuit reignites the spark.

Do these consistently. Most wives don’t need perfection; they need consistency. Soon, you’ll see her tone soften, her eyes linger, maybe even her initiating affection. If she doesn’t respond right away? Stay steady. Your job is to be the man God called you to be, not to control her reaction.