A Strong Family – Part 4

 

strong-familyChildren matter to Jesus.  So much so that when his own disciples tried to keep children away from him, Jesus chided these adults by reminding them “let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these” (Matthew 19:14).

But right here in Erie, in our city, we’ve got a problem because more and more children are not finding their way to Jesus.  Recently we have been participating in the Take Me to Worship Campaign across Erie county.  You’ve seen the signs and billboards and commercials. I remind you what has been discovered in deep, sociological research.

  • Of those surveyed, 63% of students currently participate less than once a week or not at all. 20% say they have never attended at any time.

Your leadership team right here at Christ Church has done their own homework and discovered that in only 3 miles around this building there are 5000 children between birth and 12th grade who do not go to church anywhere.  We are taking intentional and positive steps to correct that problem right in our own neighborhood.

Those who research faith development remind us that nearly half of all Americans who accept Jesus Christ as their savior do so before reaching the age of 13 (43%), and that two out of three born again Christians (64%) made that commitment to Christ before their 18th birthday. One out of eight born again people (13%) made their profession of faith while 18 to 21 years old. Less than one out of every four born again Christians (23%) embraced Christ after their twenty-first birthday.  (Barna Research Group 2004)

The investment we make in our own children and the children in our community when it comes to introducing them to Jesus in positive ways has eternal ramifications.  Children matter to Jesus.

The reality that children matter to Jesus has often been a radial thought.  Especially in the context of the Scripture we’ve been studying for a few weeks.

In Ephesians 5&6, Paul has been writing to Jesus followers in the city of Ephesus in Asia (Turkey).  He’s teaching these disciples what it means to live in unity as God’s people and significance of a home/household/family who follows Jesus.  Christians, directed by the Holy Spirit, are called to practice mutual submission.  This finds an outlet in how disciples relate together in the community, church and even the family.  Wives and husbands practice mutual submission in the context of the family as they model the relationship between Jesus and the church.

How families operated in the first century had everything to do with household codes.  These Christians in Ephesus who read these words from Paul would recognize these household codes.  They were part of the cultural fabric.  But now, in Ephesians, Paul is offering a remix of the codes they were accustomed to.  The prevailing philosophy of the first century was the idea that the man ruled over the household as a sovereign.  Wives, children, slaves, were all subordinate.  Preserving this household structure was critical to preserving society as a whole.

Four hundred years before Paul, Aristotle had begun this conversation about household codes and wrote that household management had three parts: the rule of master over slave, father over children and husband over wife.  In the first century the man was justified in ruling over his household because his wives, slaves, and children were by nature, his inferiors – his property!

This is the context into which Paul was writing a radical revision of the home and family.  Ephesians 5&6 are profoundly subversive.  Paul turns the table and because of Jesus begins to place a high value on wives, slaves and children and they way they hold the husband/father accountable to Jesus.

Earlier in this teaching we were reminded that with Jesus at the core/center every dimension of life changes: marriage, family, job, finances, even the city.  Jesus changes the social order.  Paul is subversively calling for a new family system with Jesus at the center.  One in which mutual submission is practiced and led by the Holy Spirit a family honors Jesus.  Paul places Jesus at the center.  So we’ve already been learning what happens to household codes when Jesus starts to readjust the family – those who were called inferior are now compared to the church and to Jesus, himself.

There are three movements in household codes:  how the man relates to the wife; how the man relates to children; and how the man relates to slaves.  Because Jesus values children we’re going to study this second movement and begin to see this new radical idea that Paul introduces when it comes to children in a family and how strong families can create the opportunity for strong children to become faithful adults who follow Jesus.  READ EPHESIANS 6:1-4. 

Children were property!  They had little to no intrinsic value.  Children were seen as naïve and uncontrolled, like an untrained animal.  The philosopher, Plato, wrote, “Of all the wild beasts, the child is the most intractable…and the child must be strapped up as it were with many bridles.”  The children were owned as property by the father, and if the father did not approve of the infant’s development they would be left by the side of the road to die of exposure.  Since the child was seen as property of the father, paying respect was a one way transaction.  Children respected and obeyed fathers and nothing more.  Obedience was paramount because the family represented the state.

But what does the cultural context of the first century have to do with our 21st century thinking and living.  It certainly does not take much effort to believe that in some cases and in some circles, children are still treated as nothing more than property; whether it is the unwanted aborted fetus; the newborn abandoned in a gas station garbage can or the child sold into sex slavery, even in the 21st century the case could be made in some places that children are at best property or at worst, a nuisance.

And the other side of the spectrum to families that have no control over their child and live as hostages to the whim of tantrums, backtalk and outbursts.  The child runs the home with no respect given to the parent; and the parent isn’t sure they can enforce discipline upon the child.

Just as God spoke through Paul into the 1st century world of children and family, so God through Paul, can speak into our own context.  As we read Paul in Ephesians we have to keep several things in mind which rise above time and place and apply to every season of our experience with God.  The Biblical text wants us to keep in mind the value of children – at one time we were all children; we all have residing within us the imago dei, the image of God.  Children are the image bearers of God.  The text invites us to know that God expects certain behavior from children.  And finally God places a high calling on parents when it comes to raising their children as disciples of Jesus.

At the beginning of chapter 6, Paul speaks first of the relationship of a child to the parent.  This is subversive because Paul is empowering a portion of society that had no power.  And in doing so, he is giving children an choice and a reason to relate to their parents in a godly way.  Children obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.  Obedience to parents is connected to obedience and submission to Jesus.  Verse 21 – submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.  Now this wouldn’t have been a shocking statement in and of itself.  Children were required to obey.  But Paul is putting obedience in a different context.  You relate to your parents the way you relate to Jesus and visa a versa.

I think this is one of the most profound ways a child can witness to their faith in Jesus and to the reality of the gospel in our current culture.  By merely showing respect  to parents sends a loud message of submission to Jesus.  Respect for authority is at a premium in our culture.

Obedience toward parents/adults teaches children about a lifestyle of worship.  I don’t mean that parents are worshiped but acts of obedience can teach a child about the proper placement of any person to God.  Obedience is worship.  Children were made by God to glorify God.  One of the ways kids can glorify God is through obedience to parents/adults.

Paul helps us understand this theologically as he ties it to the OT.  Paul reflects back on the 10 Commandments (Ex 20)  – “honor your father and mother – so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”  There is blessing when children (of any age) honor their parents.  When we read about “honor” in the Bible we understand it as “esteeming, valuing, or respecting” someone.  The idea of honoring someone, like parents, comes from the fact that they represent God’s authority.

If a child is taught and expected to be obedient to and honor parental authority, it will naturally put them in a position to honor and be obedient to God’s authority.

From children, Paul moves to the role of parents in the new family God is creating.  Fathers (parents) do not exasperate your children, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. 

This is a very significant sentence here because of the word “exasperate.”  That’s an odd word.  It’s not one that I use often.  We translate the Greek word to “exasperate.”  But what did Paul mean to his readers in Ephesus?  Do you know anyone who is very blunt in their language?  They say what they mean without regard to a person’s feelings.  Exasperate (Greek) suggests someone who is blunt, opinionated, practices freedom of speech, is frank – without concern for the other.  In the first century Ephesian experience this was the way it was.  Parent, the master of the house, would do or say whatever they wanted and obedience was expected.  Feelings, consequences were irrelevant.

There is also another idea being conveyed.  It is one of sharing opinion.  Opinion – here’s what I think; here’s my truth.

So Paul is again subverting common place ideas with kingdom of God values.  This new family with Jesus at the center interacts with children differently than their culture does.  So parents don’t frustrate your children.  Practice gentleness and kindness and grace.

And this is even more powerful – don’t just give them your opinion of things – but train them to follow Jesus!  In a culture that does not have Jesus at the center, let your home be a place that practices the centrality of Jesus and trains your children how to follow Jesus.

Paul’s purpose here is to show Christians that their home can be ordered to show culture what the gospel is all about.  A Christian parent cannot say – I’m not interested in raising my kids to worship and follow Jesus.  I’ll let them choose their religion when they’re older.

Parents have the primary responsibility of discipling their children – teaching them to follow Jesus.  Parental involvement in the spiritual formation of their children is characteristic of the people of God.  Read Deuteronomy 6.

Now kids don’t inherit your faith (nor are they saved by your faith) but your faith can be impressed upon them and taught to them so that they can decide to follow Jesus for themselves.

It was important for Paul to remind these Ephesian Christians about training their kids to follow Jesus.  In that culture that was not centered on Jesus – nor even really cared about Jesus – a Christian parent was the only one who could train their child to follow Jesus.  And it had to more than personal opinion.  It had to be grounded in and centered on the life, death and resurrection of Jesus and God’s revealed truth though him.

I’d suggest to you that we find ourselves in a similar situation.  For the most part when we release our kids into the world they are not going to be taught about God, about a lifestyle of worship or obedience to God.  Kingdom of God people must allow their home to be a place where children are discipled to follow Jesus.

This is also so relevant for us as a church in an increasingly pagan culture.  As a church we can be committed to providing an atmosphere to support parents in raising godly kids and we can be proactive in creating an atmosphere and strategy for introducing the 5000 unchurched kids in our neighborhood to Jesus in a positive way.  We are taking that mission very seriously – spending money there and thinking and acting intentionally as leadership to create the space for kids to know and follow Jesus.

These last few weeks and these two sections of Paul’s letter to the church at Ephesus have highlighted the essential priorities of families with Jesus at the center.  But this is more than just how to become better families, parents and children.  This is about the gospel.  And the gospel changes our identity, our lifestyles, and our homes.  God turns us into new people – new husbands, new wives, new fathers and mothers and new children.

My Next Right Step

  1. What does obedience teach children about a lifestyle of worship? What does Paul mean when he writes that obedience will ensure the goodness of life? (Ephesians 6:1)
  2. Scripture reminds us that Jesus made space for children. In fact, by virtue of their baptism, children are considered disciples of Jesus.  What is your plan for discipling your children so that they not only experience the salvation of Jesus but also sanctification?
  3. Your children will reflect your own spiritual maturity. How are you growing with Jesus?  What is your next right step when it comes to spiritual maturity?  Are your reading your Bible, praying, worshiping, serving, giving and experiencing the fruit of the Spirit?

 

 

 

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Strong Family – Part 3

strong-familyI think we all want a strong family and household.  Regardless of our marital status, the strength of our home and family makes a significant difference.  If we’re older we want our kids and grandkids to have a strong healthy family. If we’re married, we know the reality of stress and tension which can easily harm our closest relationships with our spouse and kids.  And we know that if our homes and families are strong; the city, culture and country are strong.

 

So we have been spending time in the book of Ephesians and we have discovered that Paul is writing to a group of Jesus followers who care just as much about family as we do.  Today, we find Paul speaking even more deeply into the context of marriage.  For Paul, and as a significant piece of Christian theology – marriage between a man and a woman represents the union – the relationship Jesus has with the Church – with us.

 

Currently, there are many conversations about marriage – its relevance, its meaning, its necessity.  So out of our commitment to the authority of Scripture, let’s spend time rebuilding our theology of marriage with the understanding that those who have chosen to marry see that value of that relationship to the strength of our culture.  If Jesus is at the core of a marriage – that marriage becomes a ministry and witness.

 

One of the realities that we must come to grips with is the reality that marriage is in trouble.  Over the last 40 years marriage has been in decline.  The divorce rate is nearly twice that of 1960.  In 1970, 89% of all births were to married parents, but today only 60% are.  In 1960, 72% of adults were married; in 2008 only 50% of adults were married.  Today, nearly half of all people live together before marriage.

 A recent study by the University of Virginia’s National Marriage Project concluded that less than 1/3 of high school senior girls and only a little more of 1/3 of high school boys seem to believe that marriage is beneficial to people.

New York Times columnist Tara Parker-Pope wrote an article called The Happy Marriage is the ‘Me” Marriage:  The notion that the best marriages are those that bring satisfaction to the individual may seem counterintuitive.  After all, isn’t marriage supposed to be about putting the relationship first?  Not anymore.  For centuries, marriage was viewed as an economic and social institution, and the emotional and intellectual needs of the spouses were secondary to the survival of the marriage itself.  But in modern relationships, people are looking for a partnership, and they want partners who make their lives more interesting…who help each of them attain valued goals.

Marriage used to be a public institution for the common good, and now it is a private arrangement for the satisfaction of the individuals.  Marriage used to be about us, but now it is about me. (italics from Tim Keller -The Meaning of Marriage)

 

In Paul’s first century context, marriage had its challenges just as we do in our own 21st century culture.  So Paul offers a new reality of marriage based upon the centrality of Jesus.  And he begins with the radical idea that the context of marriage is covenant.  On one level a covenant is a binding agreement or promise between two or more people.  But the concept of covenant appears multiple times in the Bible – and in the Biblical covenant the promise is not just between people but also between God and people.  A Biblical covenant is initiated by God and lived out in relationship between people and God.  So the covenant of marriage is more than an agreement between a man and woman; and one in which it is binding only so long as both agree.  But the covenant of marriage included a relationship to the holy God who calls us into relationship with each other and himself.  The covenant of marriage bound in a relationship with God reveals the relationship between Jesus and his church. This is, by far, is the most important reason.  God ULTIMATELY made human marriage for the purpose of demonstrating Jesus’ love for His Church.

 

In the infinite wisdom of God, He saw that exclusive male-female monogamy would be the best “dramatization” of the ultimate reality that is, Christ and His Church.  Christians have a heavy mantle of responsibility to bear.  Through  marriage, we demonstrate to an unbelieving world the power of the relational dynamic that exists between Jesus and His people.

 

When Jesus talked about his relationship with the Church he often used wedding language.  In Matthew 9:14-15 Jesus is asked about fasting and he replies:  Then the disciples of John came to Him, asking, “Why do we and the Pharisees fast, but Your disciples do not fast?” And Jesus said to them, “The attendants of the bridegroom cannot mourn as long as the bridegroom is with them, can they? But the days will come when the bridegroom is taken away from them, and then they will fast.

 

The union between Jesus and his church is deeply intimate; a supernatural mingling of two into one.

 

This is so real for Paul that he remembers the creation story and connects the marriage of Adam and Eve not just to human marriages but to Jesus and the Church.  READ Genesis 2:24.  Jesus leaves his Father to unite with his bride (church) and become one.

 

Another aspect of union with Christ is that of “Christ in us”. Paul uses such language in Galatians, where he writes “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” (Gal. 2:20) To the Colossians, Paul writes that “God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory.” (Col. 1:27)

 

So let’s see what Paul says – context of mutual submission led by the Holy Spirit.  Read Ephesians 5:31-33.  How does the theological truth become practical and expressive in marriage?

 

Leave.  For this reason… what’s the reason – because Jesus relationship to the churcha man shall leave his father and mother.  In the first century family was important.  And in that family context, the male role was primary.  A man couldn’t be fully male until he removed himself from his alpha father and went to create his own household.  He would build his own household and rise to community influence.  When he left, his loyalty changed.  No longer was he required to be loyal to his parents.  He was creating a new loyalty.

 

Leaving one leads to loyalty to another.  And loyalty is significant for the health of a marriage.  If your focus is still back home; or if your focus is on something else: job, friendships, hobbies –  you will never be able to give full loyalty and commitment to your spouse.  You’ll be divided.  Your spouse will want your loyalty and attention while you are still connected to your family of origin.  Break the emotional connection.  Leaving is a strong term of intention.  It is the intention to break all other bonds of authority for the sake of your spouse.

 

In Matthew 19 Jesus is responding to questions about marriage and divorce.  And in response to that which breaks marriages Jesus says, “What God has joined together, let no one separate.”  No one, no other relationship – even that with our family of origin, is meant to separate the covenant between husband and wife.  Leaving does not mean ignoring other relationships or not spending any time with them. Leaving means recognizing that your marriage created a new family and that this new family must be a higher priority than any other relationship you have.

The next portion of this phrase that Paul quotes from Genesis is in leaving there is now a uniting between a husband and wife.  The word means “to cling to, to stick (or glue) to, to hold fast to someone in a permanent bond.”  – Certainly the idea of uniting is a whole-hearted commitment to another in an inseparable union … A man who unites to his wife … will “glue” himself to her in a permanent bond. When two people are married, God provides the glue and seals them in a union.

 

Another aspect of this unity means “yoked together;” like a  yoke of oxen. The picture is of marriage as the creation of a team of persons who are closely related to each other. Like oxen yoked together to do a task, each partner in the marriage has been yoked with the other so that they may most precisely function as a team, can do the work that God has set before them.  They are no longer two independent individuals but are a unit. What therefore God has made a team, let no man separate.

 

If you have ever experienced divorce, you can understand the pain of something coming apart that was “glued” together and what that potentially does to all involved.

The reason is that the two have become one flesh.  Becoming one flesh symbolizes the identification of two people with one community of interests and pursuits..no longer isolated.  Although they remain two persons, the married couple becomes one in a mystical, spiritual unity … The concept of “one flesh” is beautifully illustrated in the children God may give a married couple. In their offspring, husband and wife are united into one person.

 

Remember that in this passage Paul is using the analogy of marriage to describe the relationship between Jesus and the church. The Ephesians passage speaks to the believer’s relation to God. Paul is identifying the nature of the Christ-Church union. It is a living union – a union that is permanent—nothing will ever separate the believer from the Lord.

 

What, does it mean to become “one flesh?” The words themselves speak of organic union. It is the relationship of one’s hand to one’s head. But although the head and hand may “team up,” their relation is far greater than that of two oxen simply bound together by a wooden yoke – the way an arm is to a shoulder – the two are a team, the members of which cannot function as independent individuals.

Emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, financially, and in every other way, the couple is to become one. Even as one part of the body cares for the other body parts (the stomach digests food for the body, the brain directs the body for the good of the whole, the hands work for the sake of the body, etc.), so each partner in the marriage is to care for the other.

Every single one of us, for every marriage that is represented in this room, our marriages are intended to be a parable of the gospel. Every single marriage in this room is meant to point to the truth of a crucified and risen Savior who has died for His church and is redeeming her. Every marriage is meant to be, by the grace of God, the best echo—the most faithful reflection—of that relationship that can possibly be.

 

John Piper says it this way: “Marriage is not mainly about being or staying in love.  Marriage is mainly about telling the truth”—namely, the truth of Jesus and the church—“it’s mainly about telling the truth with our lives. Marriage is a pointer toward the glory of Christ and the church. It’s about portraying something true about Jesus Christ and the way that He relates to His people. It’s about showing in real life the gospel.”

 

What would change with our kids or grandkids; with our city; with our country if this were true in our lives?

My Next Right Step

  1. In Ephesians 5:21-33, Paul writes about the covenant of marriage as symbolic of the relationship between Jesus and the church. Talk about or journal your thoughts on this theological reality.
  2. How am I and my spouse working to ensure that our marriage takes precedence over every other relationship we have?
  3. Pastor Ron used the image of tearing glued items to demonstrate Paul’s message of being joined with or united to your spouse. Talk about or journal the pain caused when two people who are joined together experience being torn apart.
  4. Becoming “one flesh” suggests the mingling of our soul with our spouse’s soul. In what ways are you and your spouse daily becoming and staying “one flesh”?

Building a Strong Family

Our focus for this month is centered on families and homes.

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How the home and families become strong is the whole purpose of this teaching series.

Do you remember this illustration? People are created to have a relationship with God.  In that relationship life works and makes sense.  And Paul wants us to know that every person who has ever lived has made choices (sin) that separates each person from God.  But the great news of the Bible is that is that God in the person and work of Jesus has made a way for us and everyone to be reconnected to God.

Paul takes this reality of what God has done in Jesus: that God wants to reconnect people to himself.  As people are reconnected to God: when Jesus becomes the center of our lives there is purpose and meaning.

Let’s read the Scripture today Ephesians 5:21-30

There was once a couple celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, and a big party was thrown for the couple. The husband was so moved by the occasion and he wanted to tell his wife just how much he loved her. She was very hard of hearing and often misunderstood what he said. And so as loudly and as clearly as he could, he stood up among all his friends and relatives at the party and toasted his wife, “My dear wife, after fifty years, I’ve found you tried and true.” Everyone smiled with approval, but his wife frowned at him and said, “What?” Again, he repeated more loudly, “After 50 years, I’ve found you tried and true” and his wife frowned at him even more and said, “Well, after 50 years, I’m tired of you too!”

Communication in a marriage is very important. For a husband and wife to be able to understand each other, to speak and to listen to each other – very important. But to speak what? To understand what? Ephesians 5 gives us direction. It describes the companionship between a husband and wife as 2 givers, trying to out-give each other.

Let’s see how marriage is described in these verses…And it begins with verse 21.  In verse 22 God say something that goes against the culture of taking: “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.” Now what does that mean, to submit?

Our English word for submit has some negative connotations. There is the picture of the barefoot, subservient, inferior slave-woman, being bossed around by the tyrannical husband.  This was the context into what Paul was writing to the church in Ephesus.  Women were often nothing more than property.  Women submitted and men gave orders. Is that really what “submit” means in the Bible?  .

The original Greek word for “submit” means to yield your rights to someone else. To humbly follow the loving leadership of someone else. Wives, submit to, in other words, yield, or follow, the loving leadership of, your husbands.

Some people say, “Well, that would make the woman appear to be inferior or unintelligent or less respectable.” Not true. Our context in the 21st century is so different than Paul’s.  In the first century women/wives were not much more than property living at the mercy of the husband.  But our 21st century context is often about individualism; out-doing each other and finding ways to live in self-empowerment over the other sex.

But Paul speaks God’s heart into both contexts: 1st and 21st century.  And into our world – maybe for the sake of the home and family we need to hear about submitting to each other.  Because Jesus himself did this. He submitted to his Heavenly Father. Remember, Jesus and the Father were equal – one was not better than the other. But in that Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus said to his equal, to his Father, “Not my will, but yours be done.” During Jesus’ whole life on earth, he followed the loving leadership of his Heavenly Father. He submitted.

In marriage, wives can be like Jesus. Husband and wife are equally loved in the eyes of God. From creation we know that male and female are equally created in the image of God (Genesis 1:26-27). One is not better than the other. But, in life, wives, be like the church – “as the church submits to Christ – as the church follows the loving leadership of Jesus Christ, so wives, do the same for your husbands. This is one way a wife can give, rather than take, from the husband, in a marriage. This is one way a married woman can worship Jesus Christ, by giving that respect to her husband.

Now what about husbands? The weight of this Scripture is to the responsibility of the husband.  This is what makes this so radical.  In a culture where everything submits to the male, Paul writes that the husband now models submission to his wife just like Jesus submitted.  This is revolutionary!  This turned the first century ideas upside down just like mutual submission out of reverence for Christ can turn our culture upside down.

Marriage is when two givers try to out-give each other. How does the husband give? By sacrificing. “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy.” Remember how much Jesus loved the Church? He gave the church what it needed. The church needed sins to be taken away, and so Jesus sacrificed to make that happen. He sacrificed his dignity, even his own body and blood – he had nothing left by the time he was done – he sacrificed it all – because that’s what the Church needed to be made holy in the eyes of God.

Husbands be like Jesus in the home/family. Ask yourself, what does my wife need – and whatever it is, do not hesitate to sacrifice to make it happen. That’s the loving leadership that Jesus carried out for the church, and that’s what God tells husbands to do for their wives. Loving Christian leadership by the husband means that you sacrifice your comfort, your money, your time, your effort, your everything, as you seek what is best for your wife. This is one way a married man can worship Jesus Christ, by giving that kind of sacrificial love, to his wife.

The real issue is in the leadership of men/husbands.  The role of the man/husband as a person of God significantly influences the health of the family, home, city, or culture!

Paul is stating reality (what is) but he is radically transforming the conversation to what should be; what is most needed.  And that is the influence of the male follower of Jesus.  That influence/leadership must be the exact same way that Jesus leads the church.  This is an amazing thing!

Here’s an illustration – husbands, imagine if your wife never heard the Gospel, never read the Bible, nothing. All she knew was you. Every day, she saw your loving leadership in the home, your humility, your sacrifices, your giving, your generosity. And one day, she learns about Jesus Christ and says, “Oh that sounds just like my husband.” That’s the goal.

What would the home, family, culture look like today, if this is what husbands and wives did? If husbands loved their wives and sacrificed, like Christ did for the church? If wives submitted to their husbands? What would your marriage look like, if there were 2 givers, trying to out-give each other?

A mighty tree stood high up on a mountain. It survived the hail, the snow, the wind, the heat, the cold, for many years. Finally, the giant tree became sick and died when a little beetle started to eat away at it. The little beetle that can ruin a marriage/home/family/culture is selfishness. Instead of two givers trying to out-give each other, one of them becomes a taker, and then the other. The husband focuses on himself. The wife focuses on herself. And it all starts to fall apart.

What would be different if we learned how to submit one another because we love Jesus?

My Next Right Step

  1. How am I loving my spouse like I love Jesus?
  2. What does it mean for you to submit/sacrifice in light of Ephesians 5:21?
  3. Read Genesis 1:26-27. How does this passage relate to what Paul is saying in Ephesians?

Why is Love So Hard?

Relationships are hard! Can we agree on that? Whether it’s marriage, kids, co-workers, aging parents, an ex, or church – relationships are hard. Sometime we manage relationships really well and they thrive. Other times, regardless of what we do – relationships just blow up and create a chain reaction. It is impossible to do life by ourselves, so we need relationships – but sometimes we have to admit that life would be pretty good if it weren’t for other people.

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Relationships are hard! Can we agree on that? Whether it’s marriage, kids, co-workers, aging parents, an ex, or church – relationships are hard. Sometime we manage relationships really well and they thrive. Other times, regardless of what we do – relationships just blow up and create a chain reaction. It is impossible to do life by ourselves, so we need relationships – but sometimes we have to admit that life would be pretty good if it weren’t for other people.

But unless we go off the grid and hole up in some cabin in the middle of nowhere, hundreds of miles from another soul, we’re going to need to interact with people.

So here in the middle of summer, I thought we’d take some time to get really practical with Scripture and see what God says about relationships and how to live together. Today, I want to take a big picture look at relationships. In the coming weeks we’ll get really specific about things like communication and conflict; about betrayal and commitment. But today, let’s just get a big picture view of relationships from Scripture and begin to understand why they are so hard in the first place. Now this series isn’t about marriage, although we’ll talk about marriage – because marriage is one of the hardest things we do. This series is about all our relationships and how to move to a place of thriving and healing. So whether you’re single or married, a parent or child whatever season and position of life you are in, God’s word will give us wisdom.

Now as someone who has been married for twenty years, with two teenage boys and work as a church professional – I know a thing or two about relationships. In a marriage of twenty years, I’ll confess that Melissa and I have had one or two conflicts! Does that surprise you? Can anyone else understand that? Someone once asked Melissa if in the really hard times when I really screwed up if she ever thought about divorce. She said, “divorce, no. Murder, yes.” So I’ve been on thin ice. Relationships are hard. They are complicated and messy. Have you lived there before? Why does love need to be so hard? It seems like it should be easy. You love freely and completely and that love is returned to you freely and completely. But that’s not how it always works.

Let’s go back to the first pages of the Bible and begin to build a Biblical worldview on relationships and discover why they work like they do and why love is so hard. Because there are two competing worldviews in our minds right now. One is the Biblical worldview on relationships and the other is the secular/cultural worldview. This worldview says, basically, that the whole goal of life is to be happy. But there’s something interesting about the pursuit of happiness. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of this but there’s something called the Hedonism Paradox. Here’s what it says: We fail to attain pleasures/happiness if we deliberately seek them. Isn’t that miserable? We seek happiness but we’ll never attain it.

There was a guy named Victor Frankl, a psychiatrist, a holocaust survivor. He wrote a book called man’s search for meaning. In that book he talks about happiness and he says, “Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side effect of one’s personal dedication to a cause greater than one’s self or as the byproduct of one’s surrender to a person other than oneself.”

Life must be lived that you give yourself, your energies to something or someone other than yourself. That’s where happiness is found. Here’s the amazing thing – that’s the Biblical worldview. So if you somehow get sucked into the idea that happiness is the goal and relationship exist to make me happy you will be consistently miserable. Continuing to search for someone who can finally make you happy and if you’re not happy the problem is them. Relationships are hard.

Genesis 3 – the very first relationship recorded in the Bible.
How do we see this relationship work and what kind of things are still true today?

v.1 right away the serpent is bringing doubt into what God has said. Now this is not what God says. God says that they have a lush garden with plenty of food to enjoy. But that cannot eat from the tree in the middle of the garden – knowledge of good and evil. Serpent says – did God really says you couldn’t eat from any tree in the garden? Here comes that wave of deception. God is holding out on us. Your obedience to God is costing you. There are things that are good and great for you out there if you’ll just throw off the shackles of your religion. There’s so many great things and God is holding you back. Here’s the thing, God really doesn’t love you. If he did he wouldn’t be holding out on you.

v.2 -3 read – so far so good. She’s confident she’s clear. She’s accurate. You must not eat or even touch it you will die. Did God say anything about touching it (Gen 2:16)? Feely eat from every tree…

Do you see the subtlety? She was so clear but then she’s drawn into confusion. Start to believe that God is holding out on us and then we start to look outside of the commands. Things start to look good and great. And God is so restrictive and so binding.

v. 4 You won’t die! Now the lie has gotten even more subtle. In some ways there’s truth to this. They won’t die immediately.

v.5 God knows that your eyes will opened and you will be like God. At first it was lies about God’s character but now it’s lies about how God feels about you. It’s not only that God is holding out on you but now he’s doesn’t really love you.

v. 6 Now she is convinced. She saw that the tree was beautiful and she took the fruit. Then she took some and gave it to her husband. Who was strangely passive and silent to this point. And he ate it too and at that moment their eyes were opened and they suddenly felt the shame of their nakedness.

v. 8 heard the sound of God walking in the garden. The same thing they heard countless times before now disturbs them. So they hid. And God starts to call out for them, “where are you?” He already knows the answer. But he asks the question to draw them in. From the very first pages of Scripture God becomes the pursuer of us. He seeks to draw us out. God steps into time and space history and pursues he children to tell them that he loves. But we are constantly rebelling, believing lies, and hiding.

v. 10 – 11. More questions to which God knows answer. But now the man replies in typical manly fashion. It was the woman you gave me! Before Adam was happy. He remembered that whole rib thing and she was great. But now, it was the woman! You gave her to me, remember. It’s not just her fault. God, it’s your fault. You gave her to me. She gave me the fruit, because she prepares the meals, I just consume them.

v.13 God asks the woman And in like fashion she responds, the serpent deceived me. And who made that serpent, God? That’s why I ate it. It had nothing to do with me. It’s really not my fault.

Do you see the temptation come in? The deceiver brings lies. It’s consistent with his character. The Deception comes in – you won’t die, your rebellion won’t cost you anything. And God is holding out on you, he doesn’t really love you.

The biblical worldview says that humanity in its very nature is broken. From this moment on, every relationship is broken. And I can tell you that my relationship looks just like that! And so do yours. It’s so unpopular to talk about mankind having a sickness in their souls; it’s almost illegal. But the Biblical worldview says that humanity is broken. Left to ourselves we are sinful. And because of this brokenness inside us, every relationship we enter into has a sense of brokenness. And we don’t like it! We’d rather blame someone else. There’s a deep problem in all of us and that problem is that we are selfish to the core.

We can see as we watch this story unfold that we can see the effects of sin on this relationship. The first thing we see is that there is fear rooted in shame. They become afraid. First to be able to show themselves to one another and then to show themselves to God. They are suddenly aware and insecure about what is showing. I don’t think we can imagine a relationship where we can stand before our spouse and God and not even realize we’re naked. If I were to come out here without a shirt on I be so freaked out and so would you and we wouldn’t get a thing done. We’re completely wrapped up in our physical appearance and they become suddenly afraid and they cover and hide.

And just so you know every relationship is like that. All of us are covering stuff we don’t want seen. And hiding stuff we don’t want to come out. And it’s marked with this very destruction emotion called shame. And while Jesus forgives our sin and completely removes sin, we still marked with the residual effects of sin that pops up in shame. And so we’ll hide in our insecurities. We’ll make sure that you don’t get to see the kinds of things that we’re capable of. Man if you knew all of the things that are true about me you call the bishop immediately. Or you’d at least go to a different church. I’m not going to show you all that! No way. And you’re not going to show me. Thank you! I don’t want to see that. I’ve got my own stuff! Relationships are complicated because we never know when the real us is going to show up.

And when we get brave or whenever we slip up or whenever we stay in a relationship long enough where we can’t hide it anymore; we hide our stuff based upon insecurities but then we forget the lies we’ve already told. So we slip up and show the real us. And whenever that happens we get the third effect: blame rooted in denial. It’s not my fault. It’s just something that happened. Fear. Hiding. And blame.

Now what do we do with this? What do we do knowing that every single relationship is broken? It’s broken because we’re broken.

Identify the lies in your life that you’ve begun to embrace. The story of the gospel has a bad news component and a good news component. The bad news is God is holy and we’re not; sin costs. There’s a penalty to sin. The good news is that Jesus paid that penalty. And by faith through grace you can be absolutely forgiven.

Now Satan attacks both of those. He says on the one hand, sin’s not that bad. It won’t cost you. You deserve it. God won’t mind.

On the other hand, he’ll say God hasn’t forgiven you. He’s holding out, he’s still ticked at you. God’s up there angry.
Identify which lie you’re embracing.

Admit your failures. If you embrace a biblical worldview admitting your failures should be the easiest thing you could do. You already know at the outset your broken so when you make a mistake its not a surprise. It doesn’t mean your not sorry about it but it shouldn’t be a surprise.

We live by grace but yet we find it so hard to admit our failures. Relationships get even harder when there are mistakes that happen and no one wants to admit it. Relationships cannot move forward when you’re not willing to admit when you’re wrong. Reconciliation is impossible when your not willing to admit failure. Relationships are hard. We think if they know I messed up, or failed or made mistakes; they’ll think I’m weak, or that I goofed up, or that I can’t control myself. They already think that! They’ll think I’ve got a problem – because we all do. That’s why Jesus came.

Embrace the truth. What is the truth about the people who are God’s people? What is the essence of your identity? You are the beloved! God looks on you with such favor and such love.

Henri Nouwen said this, “self rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us the beloved.” You thought is was something else. But how you identify yourself at your core in your heart of hearts defines all of the relationships that you have.
You are God’s beloved.

In this story Satan comes to us and he brings accusations about God that are not true. And we believe him. God’s holding out on you. Yeah I think he is. God’s too strict. Yeah he is pretty strict.
Satan also goes to God and makes accusations about you that are partially true. And God rejects them every time.

When we hear accusations about God we are so quick to embrace them. But God will never do that with you. When Satan comes and makes accusations against us, God says no that person is covered by the blood of Jesus.

If you’ve never embraced the love of God in Christ, today is the day to embrace it because all of us are broken inside. And the only hope we have of getting fixed because we can’t fix ourselves; if you’re holding out for more education, more training or resources to fix your relationships, take a look around. If training, resources or education would make relationships work then the US would certainly have the most healthy relationships anywhere. How are we doing?

If you’ve never embraced the reality of Jesus surrender your heart to him. And if you have embraced Jesus and your relationships are difficult it should make sense that they are. But step back from it and remember “I am Christ’s beloved.” I can extend graciousness and I can be brave and admit failure because I am completely forgiven. God knows you completely and loves you unconditionally.

Romans 8:31-39.

Relationships are hard. Your relationships are broken and so are mine. But there is hope in Jesus.