Tag: men

The Jesus Way of Masculinity

Jesus changed the trajectory of his family tree, and he can work with you to change your course. You can say NO to the past and let Jesus recreate something different through you. He can save you and give your family a new story.

Part 2: Everyone has a past. How will you make a new future?

Liar.

Cheater.

Thief.

Incestuous.

Prostitute.

Adulterer.

Murderer.

Idolater.

This is not a list of the characteristics of people we would want to associate with. But people with these characteristics appeared in Jesus’ family tree (see Matthew 1). You and I can choose many things but can’t choose our family.

I’ve watched many men remain trapped in the story of their past. I watched this play with my own family. I grew up in a blue-collar home. I’m proud because it taught me many things about life, working hard, and being responsible. But it also caused me to believe a lot of crap that followed me around for far too long.

My family tree convinced me that it was my lot always to be financially broke. My family tree convinced me I would never be better or escape the routine of hard labor. I would never become successful. I would labor until my body eventually gave out. Even though it was never said out loud, I learned that life was hard and could never rise above my station. The sins and circumstances of previous generations would continue the curse on me and my legacy through alcoholism, gambling, and abuse.

Have you found yourself in this trap?

A man’s past can betray his potential.

I think this is why I like reading Jesus’ genealogy. When reading the Bible, most people skip over this part of Matthew 1. It seems like a list of hard-to-pronounce names that have no bearing on the rest of the story. That couldn’t be further from the truth. Jesus’ family tree makes all the difference and influences who Jesus is.

Jesus’ family tree recognizes that God uses all sorts of people and situations to shape the future. While painful, the good and the bad of the past are relevant. Jesus’ history shaped him and his mission.

There’s much theology here that we don’t have time to explore but let me say this: Jesus redeemed his past and made a new and different future. And, through Jesus, this can happen for you, too.

Matthew’s Gospel, in verse 21, tells us, “She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus because he will save his people from their sins.” The name “Jesus” literally means “the LORD saves.” This is critically important.

Jesus saves you from your past and allows you to create a new future. He redeems all the garbage that can follow you through life, causing trauma and dysfunction. Jesus never ignores the past, but he can and will create a new family tree branch out of you.

Here’s a silly story from my past that proves this. I grew up in a family that swore and cussed often. By often, I mean all the time! Every other word out of the mouths of men in my family was dirty and ugly. Usually, they would include taking the LORD’s name in vain. It never bothered me because it was all I knew.

When I was 16, I started following Jesus. I never preached to my family. They could see a change in me. But what I began noticing is that the swearing and cussing died down. I never complained about it or spoke against it, but something happened. I believe God convicted them of their language, and he began to change them. Now, I rarely hear the men of my family of origin swear.

Hopefully, God is redeeming and growing a new branch through my family.

Jesus changed the trajectory of his family tree, and he can work with you to change your course. You can say NO to the past and let Jesus recreate something different through you. He can save you and give your family a new story.

Here’s why I think this is so important in the larger conversation of masculinity. Far too often, men believe that our masculinity is tied to the past. We must be like our dads or grandfathers. Sometimes this is great. You might have healthy male role models and want to pass on their influence. Often, many don’t. To you, I say discover a new future in Jesus and break the broken and painful cycles of the past. Let Jesus grow a new branch on your family tree. Or, if necessary, let Jesus start an entirely different tree through you.

_____________

This is a conversation that may bring up pain in you. Feel free to reach out for a private conversation if you need to walk through this with someone.  

Who Gave You Permission?

Core values are your fixed position. The consistent and reliable way you respond time after time. They are your north star. Whether you are aware of them or not, core values will always show up in your actions and decisions.

You need a line in the sand.

When I was younger and starting a career I didn’t have a line in the sand. I was too busy trying to impress my boss, my co-workers, and the people I served. I would do whatever they wanted. My mission was squashed day after day. I was miserable. I felt like I couldn’t say “no.” And I really couldn’t. I didn’t know what I stood for.

I didn’t know my line in the sand.

One of my favorite presidents and historical leaders is John Adams. He was the philosopher and idea man behind the American Revolution. After becoming the second president of the United States, Adams revealed the values he used as guiderails. He wrote, “I must study politics and war, so my sons may have liberty to study painting and poetry, mathematics and philosophy.” Adams knew why he did what he did. He was grounded in his daily decisions. When his back was against the wall he knew the response he would make time and time again.

You and I need lines in the sand. Core values are lines in the sand.

Core values are your fixed position. The consistent and reliable way you respond time after time. They are your north star. Whether you are aware of them or not, core values will always show up in your actions and decisions.

When I got serious about my mission, I knew I needed to discern my values. Here’s what flowed out of me.

I value…

Excellence

Self-improvement

Truth

Optimism

These are the values which guide my decisions and actions – no matter what. These show me when to say “yes” and more importantly, when to say ”no.”

You might be asking, how do I discern my values?

Make a list

Here’s the way to start. Find a comfortable place, get a note pad, and start writing words that you believe describe you. Some words might be “courageous, stubborn, helpful, loving, compassionate, driven, faith, excellence, commitment…”

Spend time with this and write what comes to mind. You may even want to think about positive words others have used to describe you.

Choose 3-5 Words

Once you have your list, go back and highlight three to five words that resonate deeply with you. These are words that warm your heart and put fire in your belly.

Only choose three to five words. These are characteristics and habits that you will live by when your back is against the wall.

Will they last?

These values will need to be your line in the sand. You’ve got to ask yourself, “Will these things I’ve chosen to guide my decisions last when it gets hard? Or will I respond oppositely?”

If your core values don’t work when you have to make a hard decision they’re not values, they’re wishes.

You’ll know if your values are right the first time you need to say “no” to someone.

Have fun with this exercise. I’m here to help. Let me work with you as you get a clear handle on your life mission and core values. Schedule a free 30 minute consultation with me.

Keep Your Head When Everyone is Losing Theirs

The measure of manhood may well be keeping your head when everyone around you is losing theirs.

In 1895, Rudyard Kipling wrote the timeless poem, “If.” The first stanza implores us to “keep our heads” when everyone around us is losing theirs.

“If you can keep your head when all about you   
    Are losing theirs…”

Did Kipling have a time machine? Did he somehow travel to 2020 and quickly escape back to the nineteenth century to write this warning for future generations?

If there is any word which describes 2020, “insanity” would be at the top of many lists. This past week has been no exception. It’s been exhausting, frustrating, and painful at many levels.

Someone has said, “elections have consequences.” All too often the personal consequences are dire. I stayed up way too late Tuesday night (I’m embarrassed to say it was actually Wednesday morning). I thought if I stayed awake I could somehow influence things. So Wednesday I was stressed. My jaw seemed clenched all day. I was so lost in my own thoughts and in such a fog that I found myself ignoring conversations and meaningful interaction with my own family. I found myself glued to the news cycle and talk radio. I kept refreshing my social media for the latest developments. The more I listened and watched the more pain I experienced. I know better. You know better. THIS IS NOT HEALTHY! I was getting sucked into the insanity.

Finally I had to make a decision. It was like facing my addiction all over again. Is this how I want to live? Is this what I want to consume my precious time and relationships? I took action and changed my mind. It’s been a better week since then.

This is what has worked for me, maybe these will help you.

  1. Turn it off. I broke the chain of the 24 hour news cycle. I turned off the TV, the radio, and I set a schedule for when I interacted with social media.
  2. Pick it up. I picked up a book that always inspires and heals me and I read.
  3. Connect. I spent time with a mentor. I reconnected with my friends. And we didn’t talk politics! We encouraged and cared for one another.
  4. Go outside. This week in the northeast has been beautiful. High temperatures and sunshine. Go walk, play, get some vitamin D.
  5. Refocus. What happens next nationally is really out of my hands. I like control but I can’t control this. But what I can control is how I respond. I chose to respond by getting refocused on my “Why.” I choose to double down on my purpose and mission for life. When I focus my mental energy and my actions on what I want to achieve, the noise of insanity vanishes.

Your life is yours to control. You make the most important decisions of your life. You are the constant. You can either be pulled into other people’s insanity, or you can chart your own course.

Kipling ends his poem with this stanza:

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,   
    Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
    If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
    With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,   
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,   
    And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

The measure of manhood may well be keeping your head when everyone around you is losing theirs. Live well.