THIS WEEK
In the next four letters, we’ll talk about something many of us feel guilty about, and few really know how to do: spiritual leadership in marriage. Don’t think this is for someone else. If you’re married, it’s for you. We’ll start with the foundation: your own walk with God.
Just hearing the phrase makes some men tense up. It sounds like one more thing to do, another area where you’re supposed to have it together but don’t. Lead family devotions. Pray out loud with your wife. Be the spiritual head of the home. Most of us, if we’re honest, quietly feel like they’re failing at all of it.
So let’s start with something freeing. Spiritual leadership doesn’t begin with leading others. It starts with your own walk with God. That’s where real leadership begins.
You can’t lead your wife somewhere you’re not going yourself.
Spiritual leadership isn’t a performance you put on for her. It’s the overflow of a life that’s actually near to God.
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Tim Keller explained this really well. He compared love to money in the bank.
“If your only source of love and meaning is your spouse, then anytime she fails you, it will not just cause grief but a psychological cataclysm. If, however, you know something of the work of the Spirit in your life, you have enough love “in the bank” to be generous to your spouse even when you are not getting much affection or kindness at the moment.” — Tim Keller, The Meaning of Marriage
This explains why so many of us feel empty at home.
If your wife is your only source of love and meaning, you come home each night needing her to fill you. When she’s tired, distant, or cold, you have nothing left because your only well just ran dry. You react, withdraw, or get resentful. It’s not because you’re a bad man, but because you’ve tried to draw living water from another person, and she was never meant to be your source.
But a man who is truly walking with God, praying, reading Scripture, and being honest, has love in the bank. He can be generous with his wife even when she has nothing to give, because he isn’t running on her supply. He’s running on God’s presecnce.
The most spiritual thing you can do for your wife this week may be to get your own soul fed — so you have something to give her that isn’t dependent on her.
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Here’s what this looks like in real life.
It’s you quietly tending your own relationship with God. That way, what flows out of you comes from a source deeper than the results of your day.
How does it work? Spend a few minutes in Scripture before the day starts. Engage in a prayerful conversation with God that doesn’t come from crisis. Confess when you blow it. Feed your spirit.
Your wife will notice the difference before you ever say a word. A man at peace with God leads his home simply by being present differently.
DO THIS THIS WEEK
Feed your own soul first.
Before you try to lead your wife, focus on your own walk with God this week. Spend ten minutes each morning in Scripture. Don’t do it to perform or to report to anyone. Do it so you have something in your tank when you walk through the door tonight. You can’t give her water from an empty well. Fill your well first, and see how differently you show up at home.
THE BROTHERHOOD
No man leads his marriage well by himself.
This kind of issue often remains hidden in private but becomes more noticeable in a group setting. A man may ignore his soul for months without acknowledging it, but once others notice, everyone else does too.
→ Find one man and trade a simple question. Text one friend this week: “Did you spend any real time with God today?” Ask each other this question every day for two weeks, then keep it going. That’s it. You’ll be amazed how much a single honest question from another man does for your consistency.
→ Meet monthly, and go first. Get two or three men together once a month. The only rule: one man starts by honestly answering, “How’s your walk with God actually going?” When one man goes first and tells the truth, it gives the others permission to do the same.
→ Don’t try to lead your home from an empty tank. Men who keep a real walk with God rarely do it alone. Let a brother know when your well runs dry. Isolation is where good intentions quietly fade.
THE ANCHOR VERSE
“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” — John 15:5 (NIV)
Apart from me you can do nothing. Nothing. All the spiritual leadership you’re trying to build for your marriage comes from one source: your connection with Jesus.
If you get that right, the fruit will come. If you skip it, no amount of effort will yield anything sustainable.
Here’s a question to consider: Is the well you’ve been drawing from at home actually full? When was the last time you let God fill it?
THE REBOUND · FREE 30-MINUTE CONVERSATION
Is your own walk with God running on empty?
Many men trying to lead their marriage are running on fumes themselves. They feel spiritually dry, just going through the motions, with nothing left in the tank. If that’s you, let’s talk today. Start by feeding your own soul again, then lead your home from strength.
— Ron
