Category: Family

The Jesus Way of Masculinity

Jesus changed the trajectory of his family tree, and he can work with you to change your course. You can say NO to the past and let Jesus recreate something different through you. He can save you and give your family a new story.

Part 2: Everyone has a past. How will you make a new future?

Liar.

Cheater.

Thief.

Incestuous.

Prostitute.

Adulterer.

Murderer.

Idolater.

This is not a list of the characteristics of people we would want to associate with. But people with these characteristics appeared in Jesus’ family tree (see Matthew 1). You and I can choose many things but can’t choose our family.

I’ve watched many men remain trapped in the story of their past. I watched this play with my own family. I grew up in a blue-collar home. I’m proud because it taught me many things about life, working hard, and being responsible. But it also caused me to believe a lot of crap that followed me around for far too long.

My family tree convinced me that it was my lot always to be financially broke. My family tree convinced me I would never be better or escape the routine of hard labor. I would never become successful. I would labor until my body eventually gave out. Even though it was never said out loud, I learned that life was hard and could never rise above my station. The sins and circumstances of previous generations would continue the curse on me and my legacy through alcoholism, gambling, and abuse.

Have you found yourself in this trap?

A man’s past can betray his potential.

I think this is why I like reading Jesus’ genealogy. When reading the Bible, most people skip over this part of Matthew 1. It seems like a list of hard-to-pronounce names that have no bearing on the rest of the story. That couldn’t be further from the truth. Jesus’ family tree makes all the difference and influences who Jesus is.

Jesus’ family tree recognizes that God uses all sorts of people and situations to shape the future. While painful, the good and the bad of the past are relevant. Jesus’ history shaped him and his mission.

There’s much theology here that we don’t have time to explore but let me say this: Jesus redeemed his past and made a new and different future. And, through Jesus, this can happen for you, too.

Matthew’s Gospel, in verse 21, tells us, “She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus because he will save his people from their sins.” The name “Jesus” literally means “the LORD saves.” This is critically important.

Jesus saves you from your past and allows you to create a new future. He redeems all the garbage that can follow you through life, causing trauma and dysfunction. Jesus never ignores the past, but he can and will create a new family tree branch out of you.

Here’s a silly story from my past that proves this. I grew up in a family that swore and cussed often. By often, I mean all the time! Every other word out of the mouths of men in my family was dirty and ugly. Usually, they would include taking the LORD’s name in vain. It never bothered me because it was all I knew.

When I was 16, I started following Jesus. I never preached to my family. They could see a change in me. But what I began noticing is that the swearing and cussing died down. I never complained about it or spoke against it, but something happened. I believe God convicted them of their language, and he began to change them. Now, I rarely hear the men of my family of origin swear.

Hopefully, God is redeeming and growing a new branch through my family.

Jesus changed the trajectory of his family tree, and he can work with you to change your course. You can say NO to the past and let Jesus recreate something different through you. He can save you and give your family a new story.

Here’s why I think this is so important in the larger conversation of masculinity. Far too often, men believe that our masculinity is tied to the past. We must be like our dads or grandfathers. Sometimes this is great. You might have healthy male role models and want to pass on their influence. Often, many don’t. To you, I say discover a new future in Jesus and break the broken and painful cycles of the past. Let Jesus grow a new branch on your family tree. Or, if necessary, let Jesus start an entirely different tree through you.

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This is a conversation that may bring up pain in you. Feel free to reach out for a private conversation if you need to walk through this with someone.  

What Do I Do When My Kids Aren’t Living Like I Raised Them?

During my years as a pastor who has served several churches I am often approached by weeping parents.  Sparked by a message or a deep encounter with God’s Spirit, they come to tell me stories of heartbreak and disappointment; their teenage daughter is pregnant, an adult son is an addict, a daughter refuses to take the kids to church, a son is devastated and abusive because he can’t find a job and support his family.  As I look into the eyes of the parent telling me these stories I not only see the depth of pain but I can see  their question – “Why?  This isn’t the way we raised them.”

So what can a parent do when their adult children are living a different kind of life than the way they were raised?

I wonder if King David had some similar questions.  His son Absalom was causing David a great deal of pain and heartbreak.  Absalom was a vengeful person.  In 2Samuel he appears to be a person full of hatred and pain.  I’m not sure of the root of his pain.  Maybe it had something to do with David’s sin.  Nonetheless, Absalom plots to take over David’s throne and rule the kingdom.

David ends up fleeing for safety.  He orders his armies to put down the rebellion while making it very clear that Absalom’s life should be spared.  In the end, that’s not what happens.  Absalom is killed.  David is broken, again.  He weeps and wishes it had all ended differently.

My guess is that there are some parents who can resonate with this.  Your adult children are not living like you had hoped.  Their life is broken and all you can do is stand by and helplessly watch.  Your advice is ignored.  You want to help yet you can’t prolong their dysfunction.  What can you do?

One writer has suggested that parents can rightly grieve the losses these changes symbolize.  Whether they are moral issues, a change in faith, complex problems, or lifestyle choices, parents must give themselves permission to feel the pain.   These are the moments to get real with God.  Tell Him how you are really feeling.  God grieves with you and wants more for your children than you.

Once grief and disappointment has been acknowledged, you can move to the next phase which is embracing hope.  This isn’t about trying to change them but the hope is about loving them in the middle of your pain.

Loving your adult children even when they have walked away from the values with which they were raised reveals to them the depth of your love.  It shows just how unconditional love is.  It reminds them that you will be there no matter what.  This doesn’t mean you’ll rescue them from the consequences of their decisions.  But it does mean you can be respectful, listen and be there through everything.