Relationships are hard! Can we agree on that? Whether it’s marriage, kids, co-workers, aging parents, an ex, or church – relationships are hard. Sometime we manage relationships really well and they thrive. Other times, regardless of what we do – relationships just blow up and create a chain reaction. It is impossible to do life by ourselves, so we need relationships – but sometimes we have to admit that life would be pretty good if it weren’t for other people.
But unless we go off the grid and hole up in some cabin in the middle of nowhere, hundreds of miles from another soul, we’re going to need to interact with people.
So here in the middle of summer, I thought we’d take some time to get really practical with Scripture and see what God says about relationships and how to live together. Today, I want to take a big picture look at relationships. In the coming weeks we’ll get really specific about things like communication and conflict; about betrayal and commitment. But today, let’s just get a big picture view of relationships from Scripture and begin to understand why they are so hard in the first place. Now this series isn’t about marriage, although we’ll talk about marriage – because marriage is one of the hardest things we do. This series is about all our relationships and how to move to a place of thriving and healing. So whether you’re single or married, a parent or child whatever season and position of life you are in, God’s word will give us wisdom.
Now as someone who has been married for twenty years, with two teenage boys and work as a church professional – I know a thing or two about relationships. In a marriage of twenty years, I’ll confess that Melissa and I have had one or two conflicts! Does that surprise you? Can anyone else understand that? Someone once asked Melissa if in the really hard times when I really screwed up if she ever thought about divorce. She said, “divorce, no. Murder, yes.” So I’ve been on thin ice. Relationships are hard. They are complicated and messy. Have you lived there before? Why does love need to be so hard? It seems like it should be easy. You love freely and completely and that love is returned to you freely and completely. But that’s not how it always works.
Let’s go back to the first pages of the Bible and begin to build a Biblical worldview on relationships and discover why they work like they do and why love is so hard. Because there are two competing worldviews in our minds right now. One is the Biblical worldview on relationships and the other is the secular/cultural worldview. This worldview says, basically, that the whole goal of life is to be happy. But there’s something interesting about the pursuit of happiness. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of this but there’s something called the Hedonism Paradox. Here’s what it says: We fail to attain pleasures/happiness if we deliberately seek them. Isn’t that miserable? We seek happiness but we’ll never attain it.
There was a guy named Victor Frankl, a psychiatrist, a holocaust survivor. He wrote a book called man’s search for meaning. In that book he talks about happiness and he says, “Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side effect of one’s personal dedication to a cause greater than one’s self or as the byproduct of one’s surrender to a person other than oneself.”
Life must be lived that you give yourself, your energies to something or someone other than yourself. That’s where happiness is found. Here’s the amazing thing – that’s the Biblical worldview. So if you somehow get sucked into the idea that happiness is the goal and relationship exist to make me happy you will be consistently miserable. Continuing to search for someone who can finally make you happy and if you’re not happy the problem is them. Relationships are hard.
Genesis 3 – the very first relationship recorded in the Bible.
How do we see this relationship work and what kind of things are still true today?
v.1 right away the serpent is bringing doubt into what God has said. Now this is not what God says. God says that they have a lush garden with plenty of food to enjoy. But that cannot eat from the tree in the middle of the garden – knowledge of good and evil. Serpent says – did God really says you couldn’t eat from any tree in the garden? Here comes that wave of deception. God is holding out on us. Your obedience to God is costing you. There are things that are good and great for you out there if you’ll just throw off the shackles of your religion. There’s so many great things and God is holding you back. Here’s the thing, God really doesn’t love you. If he did he wouldn’t be holding out on you.
v.2 -3 read – so far so good. She’s confident she’s clear. She’s accurate. You must not eat or even touch it you will die. Did God say anything about touching it (Gen 2:16)? Feely eat from every tree…
Do you see the subtlety? She was so clear but then she’s drawn into confusion. Start to believe that God is holding out on us and then we start to look outside of the commands. Things start to look good and great. And God is so restrictive and so binding.
v. 4 You won’t die! Now the lie has gotten even more subtle. In some ways there’s truth to this. They won’t die immediately.
v.5 God knows that your eyes will opened and you will be like God. At first it was lies about God’s character but now it’s lies about how God feels about you. It’s not only that God is holding out on you but now he’s doesn’t really love you.
v. 6 Now she is convinced. She saw that the tree was beautiful and she took the fruit. Then she took some and gave it to her husband. Who was strangely passive and silent to this point. And he ate it too and at that moment their eyes were opened and they suddenly felt the shame of their nakedness.
v. 8 heard the sound of God walking in the garden. The same thing they heard countless times before now disturbs them. So they hid. And God starts to call out for them, “where are you?” He already knows the answer. But he asks the question to draw them in. From the very first pages of Scripture God becomes the pursuer of us. He seeks to draw us out. God steps into time and space history and pursues he children to tell them that he loves. But we are constantly rebelling, believing lies, and hiding.
v. 10 – 11. More questions to which God knows answer. But now the man replies in typical manly fashion. It was the woman you gave me! Before Adam was happy. He remembered that whole rib thing and she was great. But now, it was the woman! You gave her to me, remember. It’s not just her fault. God, it’s your fault. You gave her to me. She gave me the fruit, because she prepares the meals, I just consume them.
v.13 God asks the woman And in like fashion she responds, the serpent deceived me. And who made that serpent, God? That’s why I ate it. It had nothing to do with me. It’s really not my fault.
Do you see the temptation come in? The deceiver brings lies. It’s consistent with his character. The Deception comes in – you won’t die, your rebellion won’t cost you anything. And God is holding out on you, he doesn’t really love you.
The biblical worldview says that humanity in its very nature is broken. From this moment on, every relationship is broken. And I can tell you that my relationship looks just like that! And so do yours. It’s so unpopular to talk about mankind having a sickness in their souls; it’s almost illegal. But the Biblical worldview says that humanity is broken. Left to ourselves we are sinful. And because of this brokenness inside us, every relationship we enter into has a sense of brokenness. And we don’t like it! We’d rather blame someone else. There’s a deep problem in all of us and that problem is that we are selfish to the core.
We can see as we watch this story unfold that we can see the effects of sin on this relationship. The first thing we see is that there is fear rooted in shame. They become afraid. First to be able to show themselves to one another and then to show themselves to God. They are suddenly aware and insecure about what is showing. I don’t think we can imagine a relationship where we can stand before our spouse and God and not even realize we’re naked. If I were to come out here without a shirt on I be so freaked out and so would you and we wouldn’t get a thing done. We’re completely wrapped up in our physical appearance and they become suddenly afraid and they cover and hide.
And just so you know every relationship is like that. All of us are covering stuff we don’t want seen. And hiding stuff we don’t want to come out. And it’s marked with this very destruction emotion called shame. And while Jesus forgives our sin and completely removes sin, we still marked with the residual effects of sin that pops up in shame. And so we’ll hide in our insecurities. We’ll make sure that you don’t get to see the kinds of things that we’re capable of. Man if you knew all of the things that are true about me you call the bishop immediately. Or you’d at least go to a different church. I’m not going to show you all that! No way. And you’re not going to show me. Thank you! I don’t want to see that. I’ve got my own stuff! Relationships are complicated because we never know when the real us is going to show up.
And when we get brave or whenever we slip up or whenever we stay in a relationship long enough where we can’t hide it anymore; we hide our stuff based upon insecurities but then we forget the lies we’ve already told. So we slip up and show the real us. And whenever that happens we get the third effect: blame rooted in denial. It’s not my fault. It’s just something that happened. Fear. Hiding. And blame.
Now what do we do with this? What do we do knowing that every single relationship is broken? It’s broken because we’re broken.
Identify the lies in your life that you’ve begun to embrace. The story of the gospel has a bad news component and a good news component. The bad news is God is holy and we’re not; sin costs. There’s a penalty to sin. The good news is that Jesus paid that penalty. And by faith through grace you can be absolutely forgiven.
Now Satan attacks both of those. He says on the one hand, sin’s not that bad. It won’t cost you. You deserve it. God won’t mind.
On the other hand, he’ll say God hasn’t forgiven you. He’s holding out, he’s still ticked at you. God’s up there angry.
Identify which lie you’re embracing.
Admit your failures. If you embrace a biblical worldview admitting your failures should be the easiest thing you could do. You already know at the outset your broken so when you make a mistake its not a surprise. It doesn’t mean your not sorry about it but it shouldn’t be a surprise.
We live by grace but yet we find it so hard to admit our failures. Relationships get even harder when there are mistakes that happen and no one wants to admit it. Relationships cannot move forward when you’re not willing to admit when you’re wrong. Reconciliation is impossible when your not willing to admit failure. Relationships are hard. We think if they know I messed up, or failed or made mistakes; they’ll think I’m weak, or that I goofed up, or that I can’t control myself. They already think that! They’ll think I’ve got a problem – because we all do. That’s why Jesus came.
Embrace the truth. What is the truth about the people who are God’s people? What is the essence of your identity? You are the beloved! God looks on you with such favor and such love.
Henri Nouwen said this, “self rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us the beloved.” You thought is was something else. But how you identify yourself at your core in your heart of hearts defines all of the relationships that you have.
You are God’s beloved.
In this story Satan comes to us and he brings accusations about God that are not true. And we believe him. God’s holding out on you. Yeah I think he is. God’s too strict. Yeah he is pretty strict.
Satan also goes to God and makes accusations about you that are partially true. And God rejects them every time.
When we hear accusations about God we are so quick to embrace them. But God will never do that with you. When Satan comes and makes accusations against us, God says no that person is covered by the blood of Jesus.
If you’ve never embraced the love of God in Christ, today is the day to embrace it because all of us are broken inside. And the only hope we have of getting fixed because we can’t fix ourselves; if you’re holding out for more education, more training or resources to fix your relationships, take a look around. If training, resources or education would make relationships work then the US would certainly have the most healthy relationships anywhere. How are we doing?
If you’ve never embraced the reality of Jesus surrender your heart to him. And if you have embraced Jesus and your relationships are difficult it should make sense that they are. But step back from it and remember “I am Christ’s beloved.” I can extend graciousness and I can be brave and admit failure because I am completely forgiven. God knows you completely and loves you unconditionally.
Relationships are hard. Your relationships are broken and so are mine. But there is hope in Jesus.